Other Places to Explore swinging

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When we first got into the lifestyle, it was far more difficult to find.  The internet had not yet blown up with hundreds of swinger sights, and to find it, you had to really search private groups and message boards.  Finding other black swingers was far more difficult and it took us a year to find a group.  Groups were more tightknit ten years ago, and couples often gravitated towards one of the "seasoned" swingers who were always there for advice and strong explanation of the lifestyle.  This is merely our advice and the reasons why we do not allow couples to our parties.  From our observations, these ten things are the greatest cause for drama, drunkardness and a poor swinging time at a party.

Swinging, in its literal form, is couples who exchange sexual partners for intercourse. You can doctor it up, add adjectives in front of it and parade it around on real world, but at its form its an lifestyle that has existed for centuries and practiced by responsible adults. It should not be something you enter in without heavy consideration or impaired.

Swinging is an umbrella term divided into two very different types of swinging

  • Fullswap swingers- couples who enjoy swapping with other partners and the oldest and most referred to form
  • Softswap swingers- an umbrella term for everything not considered fullswap- this includes girl/girl, oral only, same room no touching, etc). This is often seen as a stepping stone to fullswap.
  • There are also voyeurs, which are couples only interested in watching other couples.

Swinging is not for everyone, no matter how 'freaky' you are.  In addition to being sexually adventurous you must also have the right mindset.  Below are ten reasons why WE will not extend an invitation and what you should be asking yourself before you decide to enter into the lifestyle. There are tons of other clubs with far fewer standards.

1. There is a lack of communication in the relationship

Swinging is 80 percent communication and 20 percent sex. There's a reason why there has  never been a DJ at our parties. It's very difficult to talk to get to know someone well enough to spend an intimate evening with when you are yelling over music all day.  Communication begins at home.  It's very disheartening to talk to a couple and realize that neither one knows the others fantasy.  Its one of the reasons why we do not allow couples to our parties who tell us there only fantasy is being with another female. Usually the female sounds like autonomic and  has not or does not voice her desires to the males.  After some talking, the female usually shares the fantasy with us but is fearful of sharing it with the male.  This is a breakdown in communication.  A lack in communication is a strong indication of selfishness, which is anti-swinging.  Swinging is as much about you helping others reach their fantasies as it is you reaching your fantasies.  If you have not had a serious sit down, turn the tv off talk with your mate about swinging, you should not be contacting a swingers club.  Swinging changes the nature of your relationship.  Nothing is worst than wasting another couples time because you two have no idea what you are both looking for.

 

2. Softswap is the epitome of what you are looking for

Not everyone goes from learning about swinging to fullswap.  It is actually a progression. Sometimes it takes place over the course of a night, sometimes over the course of 2 or 3 parties. We have known couples who took a year to move into fullswap.  But the entire time they were interested in fullswap at some point.    However, if you come in only looking for girl-girl/softswap, swinging is going to be a short journey for you.  Swinging is a lifestyle, and most swingers hope to be swinging for years to come.  We have never seen a couple come into this hoping only for softswap stay in swinging more than 2 or 3 years at most.  This is usually because softswap is a "settlement" between the couple.  One half wants one thing and the other half does not, so they settle on "only doing this".  This leads to boredom by one part of the couple which eventually leads to no longer swinging.  This is why we tell couples not to kid themselves. If someone isn't feeling it, keep swinging as a fantasy. It is not worth putting a strain on a relationship.

One of the worst cases where we hear this is because, and this happens once a month, a lady will call us hoping to "surprise her man" for his birthday. Ruining someone else's fantasy for your experiment is not a good reason.

We have a policy at our party called "same capacity".  We don't regulate who plays or if you play, that's not our concern. What we do is insure is that everyone is comfortable.  This is why with new couples we ask that both parts of a couple play the same way.  Meaning if one is not fullswapping bot his not fullswapping.

3. You are only interested in watching

See above and add this.  Imagine it's a special night for you and yours. The mood is set, it's about to go down.  And in walks 8 people who cheer, clap and egg you on.  Welcome to the modern day swinger club.  80% voyuers, 20% swingers. Nothing is worse than than talking up a couple for 2 hours and realize they only came to do just that, look at you and talk. That is not to say there is loads of voeuering at normal swinger parties.  Some people like to watch the first "wave" and let the mood hit them to join in.  But when you come and your sole intention is to treat someone's sex life like you were at a zoo, you are better off not waisting theirs and your time.

4. You have specific criteria and dimensions for what you are looking for

Coming to a party or an event with a specific picture in your head will either lead to disappointment.   Every swinger has standards and what they are generally attractive too. Its an insult to assume otherwise. (there's nothing more insulting than putting in a profile or verbally telling someone that you are picky.. everyone is).   But telling us that you are looking for 5'5, black-asian mix, with a Jada nose will not get you far.  That is not picky, that is being specific.  It's cool to have standards, it is not cool to think you are better than others.

The main problem is is that people enter swinging like they are trying to find a new mate. People choose their mates subconsciously looking for criteria that would be great to pass on to a kid.  So you can see the problem if you're looking for swinging partners with those eyes.  Instead, you develop different swinger eyes.  You realize that you are looking to have sex with people you find sexy, not "marriage material" and that opens up a whole new set of doors.    It's about turning off your desire to procreate (the underlying reason why people look for specific criteria) and discovering what you truly find sexy and sexual.

5. You need to be really good friends to swing

Swinging is a discreet lifestyle.  It's not socially acceptable to bring in public.  It's why we do not attend clubs that pass out business cards or have public events.  It is not a lifestyle you can be "talked into" or persuaded too.  Friendships happen all the time in swinging, they happen naturally like normal friendships.  But if being a friend is your criteria for being a swinger, you will meet few people also interested in this.  This is because of the discretion people like having.  Taking what happens in swinger situations into public forums can be deterimental to a person's job, family and welfare.

6. You hope Swinging will save your relationship

Swinging is not going to save your relationship.  If anything it can cause more harm to a dysfunctional relationship. Swinging enhances your relationship, it does not make it.  We know swingers who only play once a year and we know some who play every week, regardless they all have a strong underlying understanding that swinging sex is different from normal sex.  One the reasons we only allow committed couples is because it takes a strong want to see your partner pleased to please others.   Taking one for the team is the worst way to progress through this.

The bottom line of all of these is that if you are looking to have a satisfying, long, and amazing adventure in swinging, you need to talk about what you both want out of it and continue to share your fantasies with one another.  You also have to be willing to, at any point, realize that you may not be at the point to do this and let it remain a fantasy.

7. You are looking for a fuck party and not a swingers party

It's important to know the difference between these two.  Two often couples will call and tell us they had been to a swingers party before, only to here about rude behavior and stories of what sounds like a free for all.
Swinging is a tradition with edict, rules and a firm commitment between couples involved. Though people drink, swingers do not need a large amount of liquor to play.  Swingers do not need convincing and coaxing to play.  There's always an aura of maturity to the evening.  Swinging is "grown folks" having sex. Safety is always a priority and, unless theres a prior arrangement, swingers always use condoms.  Rules such as no means no, ladies choice and come with the person you came with are standard at swinger parties.  Good swinger parties are almost always drama free. They are freaky, they are raunchy but their is always an aura of honesty, safety and fun.
Fuck parties are a different animal.  Usually something folk experience in their 20s and so on, they are sexual free for alls with absolutely no rules.  You usually know you're at a fuck party if there are more singles, particularly single guys,  than couples and most of the people you meet have significant others on the side. People usually do not come prepared to have sex. Drugs are as much a highlight as the sex as is excessive drinking.  Condoms may or may not be used and people are a little more shady when they tell you they are using them or not.  What many consider rude is a norm as guys who come and paid the entry fee expect to fuck, and you realized that the hosts are charging you to be a hoe for the evening. If you expect that just because you are at a swingers party people have to fuck you, then swinging is not something you should be pursuing.

8. You are not interested in pleasing others

Swinging is about mutual pleasure among all parties.  If your goals are only to be pleased and not care about the pleasure of others, this is the wrong place.  Swinging is an unselfish hobby.  Everyone does this to fulfill ever evolving fantasies, the last thing someone wants is to play with someone who is only interested in climaxing and quitting.

9. You lack self confidence in yourself

Swinging is a very social activity.  There is a lot of talking,m a lot of communicating and a lot of getting to know people.  Though your average swinger party usually splits the time between socializing and playing.  An average party usually goes socializing for a couple hours, then lots of play, then a little more socializing, then more play and all the way until the last person goes to sleep.  If you lack social skills and charisma, you will have a hard time getting to know people.  You will find people in all shapes, shades and sizes in the lifestyle.  Dwellling on your negatives easily shows.  Sexiness, shows as well. Your average swinger couple is confident in themselves. You don't need to have the biggest tits, the largest dick or the slimmest waist.  You just need to feel and know you're sexy and be charismatic and interested in exploring your fantasies.

10. You do not fit the demographic of the party

One of our biggest gripes about some clubs is that they blatantly lie to people so that you will come and spend your money.  The one thing they lie about the most, is the demographics of their party.  Every club has a specific demographic that they attract.  if a club tells you otherwise, they are lying.  We have never been to a club that did not lean to a specific segment of the population. Weather it be income based, race based or age based, there is usually a common denominator about a majority of the folk who attend a swingers party.
Swinging is about honesty, with your spouse, and most importantly with yourself.  If you do not fit the specific demographic of the party you are attending, you will have an awful time.
As an example we will talk about our parties.  We have an urban party, which means we play erotic hip-hop and sexy r&b and a majority of our guests are black or interracial  couples. The demographics of a party usually skew towards the makeup of the hosts.  We are a black couple and single female in our mid 30s. As a discreet club, we do not ask age or any personal information, but the  average look of the couples at our party is  25 to 45 and because of the maturity of our parties, we attract couples who are professional in their demeanor.   We do have other races who attend our party. Our guests are confident in themselves that they would be attractive to the demographic of the party and that the demographic would be attracted to them.
We have friends who attend our parties in their 50s and 60s but play and look like they are in their 40s.  However, people outside of these demographics usually have a harder time enjoying themselves at a party, simply because they are usually not what the other guests are looking for.
That said, there are many, many clubs in Detroit that cater to a variety of demographics.  When you talk to a host, it is ok to ask questions about what type of people come and where you can find a party that fits what you are looking for.